A few years ago, just as I was about to leave New York, I went on something of a farewell tour, meeting friends and co-workers for one last coffee or brunch before I set off on my trip. One of the people I saw during those final weeks was a guy that I dated some two years prior. It was in between cocktails that he mentioned, ever so casually, that he would follow my adventures on my blog.
“I know,” I said. “You signed up for a subscription.”
“You know that?” he asked, his eyes widening. “You can see that?”
“Yes,” I replied. “Because it’s my blog.”
His discomfort was no small thing – as any woman who shows up for an 11th hour cocktail with a man she once dated will surely tell you.
“You should see your face right now,” I said, gripping the edge of the bar, mock panic in my eyes. “You’re like, What else can she see?”
“Well what else can you see?!” he demanded.
“What else are you doing?!” I countered.
“I mention it to people sometimes,” he admitted. “And I read it. A lot of times, I save a bunch of posts and then read them all at once.”
The look on his face made me believe that he was probably doing a little more than that, but I didn’t care. It’s hard enough to get people to read; the last thing I want to do is shame them for it.
“Well that’s great,” I told him, laughing. “I don’t care if you read it. Or if other people read it. I want you to. I like when people read what I write. That’s why I write it.”
There are plenty of bloggers who insist that they write only for themselves, but I’m not one of them. I also don’t exactly believe them either. Sure, we write because we enjoy doing it, but we post because we want a reaction. If we didn’t want an audience, we’d just keep journals instead.
I have yet to meet a writer who doesn’t get off on numbers. Page views, downloads, sales, shares – whatever metrics are available to prove that someone is out there reading, we know all about them. As far as I know this is the only form of math that most of us will tolerate.
But sometimes the data doesn’t do the trick. We see the stats, but have nothing else to show for it. No comments, no shares, no link backs. Even when the numbers claim that people are reading, it can seem like they’re not. Sometimes it’s hard to say what’s worse: having no readers at all, or a message that isn’t resonating.
I don’t think this is a problem specific to no-name bloggers. A few years back, I stumbled upon an essay called Fifty Shades of Greyhound by Harrison Scott Key that had me legit laughing out loud. Afterwards, I did what I always do when I read something that I like: I sent the article to some friends; I filed away the link; I looked up the author. And then I did something somewhat out of character: I tweeted him.
As soon as I sent that, I felt like the lamest person on earth. Why would this person who has already proved that his writing is the “best in America”, need my vote of approval? Clearly, an actual editor told him that it was good when he or she published it in the first place. A nighttime tweet from a stranger isn’t going to matter.
But it turns out that it did. Twenty minutes later, he replied. Then he retweeted. Then he followed back. In other words, he couldn’t have been lamer himself. A few months later, at a book reading for his memoir, The World’s Largest Man, he thanked those of us in the room who offered compliments and comments at just the right time.
“Keep doing that,” he said to the crowd. “Sometimes it feels like nothing’s getting through.”
That book, by the way, went on to win the Thurber Prize. It’s one of my favorite memoirs from the past few years and I can’t wait to read his next one, Congratulations, Who Are You Again? It hasn’t been released yet, but I think the title pretty much says it all. Bloggers, published authors, prize-winning memoirists – it’s always going to be a struggle. Please tell us, once again, that we matter.
As a writer who is still very much a work in progress, I appreciate all the people who share my work and sing my praises. It makes my day when an octogenarian tells me I’m doing it right or a woman from Canada says that she reread my entire blog as she prepared for a trip of her own. I appreciate so much when people tell me that they enjoy what I have written or that I’ve summarized something they’ve been trying to say. That’s why I do it. That’s why we all do it.
At the same time, I know that I don’t return the favor nearly as much as I should. I have been the recipient of a lot of online generosity, but rarely call out my fellow bloggers. So, without further ado, here’s a list of some of the folks who have been so good to me over the years – many of whom have gone on to publish books of their own. I hope you enjoy some of these fine people. And if you do, make sure you say so.
Awkwardly Alive & Pleasantly Peculiar.
Thanks for the suggestions, I will check them all out! And I read your blog in an RSS reader (feedly) which ensures that I never miss a one. I rarely comment, but I always enjoy what you have to say!
Oh thank you! I get yours through a subscription as well :) And the same applies – I enjoy following your adventures too!
You and your writing definitely matter! I look forward to your blog every week. I needed some new books and I just ordered both on Amazon so thanks for the suggestions! Keep doing what you are doing. I love getting to see the world through your blog. The pictures are always so beautiful.
I’m so happy to hear that – thank you! And I hope you enjoy the books. He is truly one of my favourites – I put him next to David Sedaris and Augusten Burroughs. You raise a good point too – these links and shares don’t just boost the writer’s ego… they connect other people are looking for something new. It serves a purpose beyond vanity. Anyway – thank you and enjoy! Let me know what you think of The World’s Largest Man.
I suspect a lot of it is an assumption that our opinions are not important to people that we think of as successful, combined with assuming that they already know how great they are.
For example, I could tweet at, say… The Lumineers, and tell them how good I think their music is, and which of their songs is my favourite, and how I’m anticipating their next album, etc. BUT I assume that they don’t need my paltry compliment! Surely they hear this stuff all the time, and therefore, they don’t need to hear it from little ol’ me. Maybe that’s not true, though, and I should tweet the Lumineers to tell them that I love their music. Maybe we should all dole out more compliments, more often.
The other half is likely complete apathy, haha. It’s possible to consume so much content on the internet without really absorbing it, which leads to lurking, rather than actually engaging with it.
so, normally I would agree with you – especially if we are talking about musicians and bands that are much more of a household name than 99% of writers/authors/journalists/bloggers. but this topic just came up with a person who worked for decades in the entertainment industry. he insists that even a-list actors like hearing that you enjoyed their work. I’m sure there are some who have been famous for so long or are just naturally a-holes and don’t care, but he said that it was surprising how many people really do want to know what other people think of their work. i believe him because I have no reason not to. so I don’t know – maybe tweet the Lumineers. It might matter.
in a lot of ways it’s a much smaller, much more intimate world than it has ever been; we can contact people in dozens of ways that even 50 years ago would have been impossible, and it’s much more personal than fan letters and the Famous Person’s secretary stuffing envelopes with autographed photos…
I emailed a man who did the most amazing things with photography, wanted to let him know how cool his stuff was. He answered almost immediately, he was more than willing to discuss the what and the why and the how.
Sometimes the right word at the right time does make a huge difference.
It truly does!
And you’re right: the internet makes things impersonal and anonymous in some ways… and helps us be more connected in others. It’s all what you make of it! I’m glad to have these connections near and far, old and new.
I found you thru Jenny Lawsons blog and very glad I did. It opened up new reading material for me when i was looking for new articles to read. I like to read your stories and want to comment but life sometimes gets in the way. I also like Jenny and Farm Girl Miriam. I will definitely check out the others. I am a writer in my head but don’t seem to have the time to sit down and write. I have a list of story ideas and will get to them someday. But like you, I would want the feedback to know that others are still reading. Keep going, you are definitely one of the highlights of my week!
I’m very glad you found my blog too! When the time is right, I hope you get your stories down… I’ll be sure to give them a read.
I always feel like I am a bit stalkerish….It took me forever to get up the nerve to follow your Instagram feed. I love what you do and look forward to each new post.
I will definitely check out each suggestion above. Hopefully one or two of them will end up a regular read for me.
Believe me when I say that any halfway typical blogger will be completely flattered to find out that you are reading or following on Instagram. I think that guy I mentioned had the same thought about “stalking” – but I’m not sure where we all got this idea that reading a blog is “lurking” or whatever. It’s not – at least not to me. Anyway, I appreciate your stopping by. If I’m not following you back on Instagram – leave me a comment there and I will do so.
The other day, @superlativelylj sang the praises of Busy Phillips’ soon-to-be-released memoir “This Will Only Hurt A Little” (she got an advanced copy). Busy Phillips retweeted AND mentioned the post on her Insta stories – and she’s Busy Phillips! Every single person has the same fears and doubts, no matter how successful they are.
Thanks so much for including me in your round-up! You’re part of mine too, always. Can’t wait for your book baby to be done, born and published! I know it will be incredible.
Yes, exactly!! I’m glad we crossed paths – you’re a favourite of mine too. Love reading your weekly blasts… so positive and uplifting. They always seem to come at the perfect time.
Nova, as one of your stalkers, I have totally enjoyed your posts. I live vicariously through your writing. At 55 (though a very young 55) I’m just beginning my travel adventures, so I have loved traveling with you the past few years. I will be in Paris in November and Munich again next April, so if you are still there, maybe we can meet up for coffee. I have the postcard you sent me up on my travel board. I can’t wait to buy your book.
I can’t wait to see where the road takes you! If I’m in Munich when you’re in town, I’d love to get a coffee… and if you tell me in advance, I can make sure I am there those days. As always, thanks for stopping by!
I’m guilty of reading without commenting. For the record, reading your posts and seeing your photos is like having a mini vicarious experience. Doing what you’re doing, working remotely and traveling/living abroad, is what I fantasize about someday being able to do. Don’t know how to go about making it happen, but my point is that I’ve thoroughly enjoyed your writing since coming across your blog. It’s a hit of entertainment, escape and inspiration all in one. Cheers.
Oh don’t worry – no charges have been filed for reading and not commenting, though I appreciate hearing from you now! I’m glad you enjoy… and I’m flattered that my life is worth living vicariously. :)
Thank you so much for the blog mention, Nova! And I agree–while I make sure to write things that I am passionate about, the numbers matter. They equal income. But, I also am very passionate about knowing that I’m entertaining people, providing escapism, making people laugh–making everyone’s day a little nicer. Even if it’s just a quick “I love your blog” or “I really enjoyed your book”, I cherish those comments. It doesn’t take much. Just a few keystrokes. And my fire is kindled further. Speaking of which, if I hadn’t said it enough, I LOVE your blog.
I totally agree! Thank you for giving me a quick hit so often! N
we’re all works in progress, aren’t we. As you say, if we didn’t want to be noticed, we wouldn’t be making public spectacles of ourselves.
I’d have a journal (which I outgrew years ago), or a diary (which I literally consigned to the flames when I realized my mother AND my bf had read it (I married him anyway. revenge is sweet), and this is as much a self expressive medium as any book, and easier.
Now and then I will find a site (Like the Lego Bible) that so impresses me I have to let the man know. He’s always responsive, and funny. Think about it. If they didn’t want feedback, why would they bother to post this stuff?
I’ve been online since 1998, and my first post in a now defunct message board actually Got A Response. I never looked back. It was an amazing feeling, to have a total stranger respond, and it still gives me a bit of a rush, lol.
What I like about your stuff, Nova, is my chance to do the voyeur thing, see all those grand places but from the bottom up, not just the gee whiz pitchers, but the insides of things. The personal touch. The ease with which you travel. You may take it for granted, but to me that’s an amazing talent. =)
well thank you! I’m glad people like to come along for the ride. I often tell people that I have a travel blog, but it’s more than that. Yes, there are pictures and a change of scenery and stories about airports and buses, but it’s not a list of places to eat or things to do. I like think that this is what makes it relevant to people – that even if you’re not planning a trip to Paris, it’s nice to take a spin through the streets and hear about the cirque show. Nowadays there are plenty of places to help figure out how to travel and where to go once you’ve landed – I never wanted do that. But I did want to give it a personal touch. Mission accomplished, maybe…
Anyway – as always, thanks for reading! Catch you soon.
–and thank you for the shout out up there. Very heady stuff. (blushing)
I love this so much and obviously relate hard. It’s a big reason why I’m sort of taking a break from writing right now; because it started to feel like I was playing for an empty room. Oddly enough, when I announced my upcoming hiatus, a ton of people told me how much they loved my writing & would miss it. It meant a lot, but I wish a lot of them thought to tell me why I was still doing it… ya know?
Oh I know! Do I ever… I always liked your blog too, but I get why you took a step back. There are only so many hours in the day and you need to be judicious. I also felt that when I met Johann that my blog was going to change – not sure if you ever felt the same after Leo. But for those of us who often blogged about men and dating and ridiculous interactions, getting a normal partner really cuts back on the material. Luckily for me, Johann is only halfway normal. He is, for example, at this moment probably trying to wash an area rug in the Baltic Sea. No shortage of material, as it goes. Anyway – do what you will. If you ever come back full time, at least you know you have an audience waiting!
one of the things that really annoys me is when someone lurks, doesn’t post at all, then complains that I never look at her stuff. ?
Or comments in such a way that I know she’s not reading, just picking the one word that she recognizes. i.e., I write a heartfelt, silly/serious post about rain, and she responds, “I hope it stops raining for you soon…”
What. was. that. I never mentioned that it was raining here, or that I was drowning in it, just that rain, etc. etc.
I know. But sometimes the message is lost on some people. That person may have skimmed and commented just to keep herself top of mind, or she may have just missed your point. It’s hard to know what’s what… Those are the moments when you can remind yourself that you really are writing for you.
I know I already said this, but you are simply the best and I adore you!
back at you.
I am a relatively new reader — I found you through farmgirlmiriam — and I have to say that (at 48 years old myself) I am amazed that you have so mastered so many things in life that I am still struggling to figure out. You are an amazing woman and your blog is a beautiful dream-come-true for any woman who thinks: why can’t I just do THAT? (And THAT can be filled in with so many different things! It can be leaving the 9-5 job and traveling the world but it can be so many other leaps of faith as well.) I thank you for providing a brave, funny, whipsmart, thoughtful, and fun view for those of us still waiting to take that leap.
oh wow – thank you for the kind words. I really appreciate it. I was just telling a friend yesterday that I hope when people read my posts they realise that I’m not just making a statement about me personally and whatever it is I’m writing about… the “thing” can be anything. In this case, I’m not just saying, “Tell bloggers you’re out there,” I’m trying to say that we should compliment and credit people’s strengths. And that can be anything: being a great mom; a good listener; an amazing athlete; an artist – whatever. The point is, when you see something, say something. Thank you for reading! I hope you continue to be entertained!
I read every blog and love the photos too. I have a friend who has moved to Germany for 3 years and I forwarded one to her. I always feel awkward getting in touch with authors and now I’ll try to – get over it! PJ
Awesome – I can’t say we all think alike, but judging from the comments here and anecdotal evidence, I think it’s safe to say that writers like hearing from readers. I wouldn’t worry about making it awkward – we’re usually awkward ourselves! Thanks for reading :)
I very much relate, I’m sure many bloggers do. I’ve experienced this exact confession from dudes before, I always have to laugh. Also love vague Facebook friends who I’ll run into after years of no contact and they’ll confess they read my blog like it’s a shameful secret. Hello, I want you to read! I also share the posts on social media, it’s not like you found it through a stalker-level search!
I know! I get that too. Like you, I’m baffled as to why they think it’s a confession. I’m flattered!
I seem to be registering as anonymous, sans image. In case this continues, this is Afraid of the Dark, checking in. It’s extremely unsettling.
Somehow in the background something unfollowed me from you, and I put it back, but Im still not sure if it’s working.
I got you.
Sometimes it feels a bit weird to tell a blogger I love what they’re writing and the way they approach life, even though I do (I definitely love your blog!). I kind of feel like I’m jumping into a conversation between them and their friends and they’ll be all “who’s this stranger?” in a polite kind of way.
But I agree wholeheartedly about “we should compliment and credit people’s strengths”. I went to a funeral today of a lovely guy who was only 56. Luckily, lots of people thought he was great and had told him that while he was still alive. I came away thinking how important it is to tell people that we admire them, even if it feels strange to.
so… I can understand that sentiment. But for me it’s different mostly because I started this blog anonymously and didn’t share it with friends or family for about a year. so while they read it now, it was never intended to be a “mass email” or update for them. I wanted it to be for people who don’t know me, know me. obviously I don’t know how other bloggers feel but I think any support is always appreciated. the internet can be a lonely place and any time you make a connection, it counts. so yes – compliment, credit, all that good stuff. the more you do it, the less strange it will feel… right?
I just discovered your blog (a link on TheBloggess site) and am looking forward to reading all of your posts that I can find. You have a clear voice and a lovely writing style. Keep up the good work and I promise henceforth to send positive reviews to bloggers that I appreciate.
this is so sweet. thank you! appreciate the kind words… and I know other bloggers will too! xx