If my day job had a name it would be Hank. That’s the safest, most boring thing I could think of without actually thinking too hard. Coincidentally, that sums up my relationship with Hank perfectly: I do the work, but just barely. Just enough to earn my paycheck. It’s an arrangement I like to call the fair minimum.
Honestly though, Hank may be dull but I can’t complain. He pays my bills and lets me live in Europe. He gives me time and space to do the things I like to do and the ability to pay for them in cash. What more could I ask for? I’m not expecting Hank to deliver a thrill a minute and a million teachable moments. I don’t need him to be the key to my self-actualisation.
If I wanted that I’d leave Hank for Rock – that’s what I’m calling my book these days. Rock. It sounds cool, but in reality, it’s just a big, heavy thing I have to lug around. I’m not ready to do that full time, so I just log a few hours a day whenever I can. It doesn’t take long for Hank to get impatient about the twenty messages I have waiting… about meetings and slide presentations and the company holiday party I’m going to skip. He sends me alerts on no less than three devices to let me know that I’m missing an optional webinar about blockchain technology. Hank is super into blockchain these days. I don’t have much interest in it, but still we talk about it almost every day. I’m happy to do it if that’s what he wants.
One of the more endearing things about Hank is that he keeps trying to convince me that he’s fun. I imagine this is why he put a Foosball table in the kitchen and lets a dog sit in reception. He orders cookies every Monday afternoon and a tray of bagels on Wednesday and Friday mornings. He keeps a fleet of Razor scooters on the third floor and the refrigerator is always full of wheat beer. Hank thinks those things will make me like him more because that’s what usually happens. But they have quite the opposite effect on me. I can tolerate Hank just fine, but not when he’s drunk and riding around on a mini scooter.
When Hank’s not busy pretending to be fun, he’s trying to be interesting. At least once a quarter, he sits me down and gives me a sales pitch on robotics. It’s a curious choice considering that I have never once claimed to be interested in that topic. When I fail to ask reasonable follow up questions, Hank changes the subject. He says something like, “Well that’s just one example of the cool things I have going on.” Hank then names other subjects: artificial intelligence, virtual reality, or blockchain technology, in case I forgot. It’s all too much. I remind Hank that he’s paying me to do whatever he needs me to do. I don’t necessarily have to like it. I have other things that I like in my life, like traveling and being able to pay for traveling. He’s part of that equation and I’m thankful for him. Now can we please just drop the charade about robots?
For me, what it really comes down to is money. That’s why I chose Hank and that’s why I stay with him. But Hank doesn’t get that. He really doesn’t! If he did, he would have told me that he was giving me a raise this month instead of just dropping a few extra hundred dollars in my direct deposit without explanation. I had to laugh when it happened, because honestly, That’s so Hank. Who else would give me a raise but forget to say so? How can he expect to woo me with a VR headset but fail to mention the one thing I have repeatedly told him I care about?
I’m not complaining. Far from it. In fact, I’ll remind myself of this next time I get annoyed with Hank, like when he stands me up on a conference call or makes me write 30 tweets about a retail summit in Chicago. I’ll tell myself that Hank’s not so bad because he’s really not. He’s why I get to live in Germany with an increased skin care budget while the Republican party controls two and half branches of government. Hank may be boring, but he’s a blessing.
I don’t think I’m the only one who feels this way. I suspect most people are showing up to their day jobs, their Karens and Gregs and, god forbid, Chads, just to collect their paycheck so that they can get on with what they really want to do. They stick with it for the same reason I stay with Hank: It’s good enough for now. It makes sense for now. More than anything, it’s better than what we had before. Hank, for all his flaws, is far less pretentious than Ace, the super-slick consulting firm that I nicknamed Deuce on the sly. He’s kinder than Connor Lee III, the cable company with so much money and so little tact that he tried to buy Walt Disney World when it wasn’t even for sale. I thank the good lord every day that Hank is nothing like Katrina, the PR agency whose response to the phrases “product-related death” or “chapter 11 bankruptcy” was nothing short of Pavlovian. I don’t want to go back to her – to any of them, really. Hank is better. Even when he’s lugging a karaoke machine into the conference room or organizing a company-wide chili cook off using a single microwave, he’s better. At least he tries, you know? He really tries. So I try too.
I’m know it sounds like Hank and I have an unhealthy relationship, but we don’t. I’m just being honest. I’m with Hank because he pays me to be. And Hank pays me because he knows that he has to.
I’m sure Hank would prefer that I spend more time earning my paycheck. In fact, if it were up to him, I’d spend all my time doing that. He’d take best hours and my best years and maybe he’d give me more money in return, but not nearly enough to make up for all that time. Hank is like every day job, he’ll take as much as he’s given, which is why I only give him the fair minimum. I won’t apologize for that. I need my energy. I have to save some for this Rock I want to carry around.
Hah, that’s funny. Sometimes my day job feels more like Katrina than Hank. I need to remind myself to keep energy for the things I’m passionate about and not give it all to my job.
Oh that’s too bad. Hanks are boring, but they’re harmless. Katrina will make you question humanity. I’m sorry. But it sounds like you have a healthy relationship with work… and that’s for the best no matter which character you’re dealing with. thanks for reading!
Finally some honesty about what work means to most people. :) It’s our annual career goal setting/review period right now, which must be one of the more ridupiculous things in the corporate world. Frankly my career goal is early retirement.
When I went part time, I literally told my manager, “My goal is to continue to make money,” and she did not see a need to go through any additional formalities of reviews and objectives after that. I have repeated that line to every manager since then – five more in 2.5 years because I am nothing if not consistent in my honesty. One of them once made the mistake of saying, “I know you don’t have any goals” during a planning meeting and I laughed right in her face. I said, “Oh no, I have plenty of goals. They just have nothing to do with this company.” Work is not life, let’s stop pretending like it is.
Ha, I love that! I can’t believe that you told your boss to her face that your goals have nothing to do with your job. I wouldn’t dare! I’m completely in awe of you, you’re a badass!
I lucked out with my current arrangement of working one week and having one week off. It’s at a tiny hospital with no management around, and it’s the very best place in my field for me. Plenty of time for day dates with my husband, writing and working (at a snail’s pace) on my next Rock.
Isn’t it wonderful that you can find a job that fits your life these days, and not vice versa?
Oh believe it… although, for the record, it wasn’t just me being aggressive for the hell of it. I felt like it needed to be said. for the past few years, I’ve been really honest about what my priorities are and how work fits into my life. Whenever someone, in so many words, implies that I don’t have goals just because I don’t prioritise a traditional career, I have to check them. It’s not accurate and since I’ve talked about it so much, I feel it’s only fair to remind them.
Your work arrangement sounds stellar, if you ask me. I, too, am so thankful that we can find a job that meets are needs. But, one small quibble: don’t say you “lucked out.” You didn’t. You earned it. You work for it. It’s a job that you’re good at. You can be thankful for the flexibility or happy to have the opportunity, but let’s try not give Lady Luck more credit than she deserves.
ohhhhh this is so perfect… I used to have an unhealthy relationship with my hank, thinking he was the most important thing in my life. He wasn’t. It’s okay, we’ve adjusted our relationship now, but it was a learning curve.
This is exactly the mindset I need to always stick to with hank. He’s good, but definitely not worth my whole life.
Seriously though, love this!
Glad to hear! Hank is a needy bitch sometimes… you have my full support to put him in his place whenever you need to.:) happy new year!