Are you an American with little or no foreign language skills? Do you have zero interest in learning a new language but want to seem smart and accomplished at cocktail parties? What if I told you that you could improve your foreign language skills overnight—just by changing the way you talk about your foreign language skills?
That’s right, you can become pretend proficient in another language without opening a text book or downloading an app or even changing your language settings on Netflix!
I’m talking about the Common European Framework of Reference for Languages. With this international assessment tool, it’s possible to inflate your language skills without lying. How? CEFR is a system developed in Europe and used all over the world except, conveniently, in the United States, allowing Americans to speak about their foreign language skills with complete impunity.
That’s right, with CEFR you, yes you, can represent yourself as bilingual with virtually no investment or effort whatsoever! Just use the skills you have right now—like, basic phrases you remember from high school; new vocabulary you’ve gleaned from children’s television programming; and the names of alcoholic beverages! Using the CEFR method, you get all the cache and credibility of Europe without ever having to apply yourself!
Never heard of CEFR? Neither have most Americans—and that’s the beauty of the program. When you reference CEFR language levels, no one in America will know what you’re talking about. Ever!
Don’t believe me? Go find your most smug coworker and/or any woman named Jenny and tell her that according to the Common European Framework assessment you are at the A1 level in three languages. Watch the emotions flow across Jenny’s face: irritation; envy; confusion. What are you even talking about? What is CEFR? What is A1? Jenny doesn’t really know. That’s makes two of us, Jenny!
Worried that someone might check your flex? Well with CEFR that’s no problem. Because A1 means nothing! Literally, it means you know almost nothing.
In CEFR, AI sounds impressive, but it means beginner. At this level you can:
Understand and use very basic expressions to satisfy concrete needs.
Introduce yourself and ask others questions about personal details.
Interact simply as long as the other person speaks slowly and clearly.
I mean, by that standard, who isn’t A1?
Still not convinced? Here’s a simple test: Imagine you just met Jenny for the first time. Could you tell her your name in Spanish? If she was holding a cup, how likely would you be identify the beverage inside? If Jenny called your bluff, could you tell her to fuck off?
If you answered yes to two or more of these questions, then congratulations! You’re A1! Just like you said you were!
Dear reader, are you thinking what I’m thinking? That test was so fácil, no? Did going through that exercise make you realize that you may be selling yourself short? Maybe you are actually approaching A2 level.
Let’s see:
Can you understand frequently used expressions in most intermediate areas such as shopping, family, employment, etc.?
Describe matters of immediate need in simple terms?
Speak with relative clarity on a variety of subjects with children under the age of two?
Give basic commands to animals?
Then you might be ready for A2! Keep working on it, and you’ll be there in no time. Or don’t bother, because it honestly sounds less impressive than A1. Your choice!
And what’s after A1 and A2, you ask? Not A3, so don’t say that.
It’s B1, which is the Intermediate level. I’d discourage you from flaunting that, even if it’s true. I mean think about it: Bs have a terrible reputation. No normal person brags about being a B. You either want to be an A student, for obvious reasons, or jump right to C, where you are cool and chill and secure in your mediocrity.
Now, if you’re at the C level in language, you should say so. Because C1 is very advanced. It means a person is fluent and can “understand a wide range of longer and more demanding texts or conversations and express ideas without too much searching.”
Chances are you’re not a C1 and you never will be. I’m telling you about it mostly because if you happen to be talking to Jenny about how you are A1!!! and someone else says that they are C1, then you should leave the room. Pronto. Because you are about to get found out without any searching at all!
By the by, Johann is at the C1 level in English. He speaks perfectly if you ask me. He has such range too—he can do the NYT crossword puzzle just as easily as he could understand the dialogue in The Wire without subtitles. It’s amazing!
Truth be told, I was a little aggravated that Johann was assessed at the C1 level because C2 is a thing and I can’t imagine how his language skills could progress beyond where they are now. I mean, consider for a moment that when we were in the States, he explained to an Airbnb host, with confidence, that a pipe in our hallway had burst and that he needed to use a cinderblock to chip away at a giant icicle that froze the hinges of our front door shut overnight. In that moment, he was understood. And I feel that if you, as a foreigner, can express such insanity to another human being and be heard—be truly heard—then I think you have reached the pinnacle of proficiency.
Apparently the CEFRL representative who assessed Johann’s English skills, a British man whose actual name is Kirby, disagreed. He put Johann at C1 and didn’t give any explanation as to why. When I heard that, I had an extreme urge to pay Kirby a visit at his university office and drop a cinder block on his desk. I’d like to see him walk outside in the streets of Helsinki and convince someone that he just chiseled his way out of rented room in the nice part of town. I want to watch Kirby attempt to pay for a pair of mittens at the Finnish equivalent of Old Navy and when the clerk asks, “Cash or credit?” Respond with “Debit,” and, then, without any attitude at all, give the clerk a detailed explanation of what a debit card is. Just for kicks, I want to see that man find his way through the Arts & Leisure section of the local newspaper and attempt a word game. Hey Kirby: 12 Down. What’s a seven-letter word for jerk? IN FINNISH.
Anyway this is why you shouldn’t feel bad about misrepresenting your CEFR ranking in everyday conversation: Because it’s all subjective bullshit. Kirby proved that. And if he’s out here just putting C1s on people with no rhyme or reason, you should feel free to do the same. It’s what they do in Europe. So go ahead and say it: You’re A1.
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Thank you to everyone who participated in my survey two weeks ago. There were quite a few points of consensus, one of which being that you like the satirical posts. Almost half of you want to see more of those. So something to look for in 2020 is that I will be trying to adapt regular posts into satire. Hope you enjoy! I’ll share some other takeaways from the survey as we go. Thanks again and happy new year!
Haha – this is nuts! I honestly thought you were making all this up until Mr. C1 jumped into the picture. I’m pretty sure he can communicate in English more effectively than I can – so let’s dub him a C2+
Nope. I speak the truth. And so do you. Kirby does not. Johann is C2++ if I ever met one, although I guess I am biased too. xx
Brilliant! This not only works with Americans, but also with middle-aged Europeans who have no clue about the ingenious CEFR system.
I tried it today on a 60-year-old Swiss Jenny. With great nonchalance, I mentioned en passant that I’m at level A1 with my Spanish. She was in awe. I was thinking of adding Greek, Hebrew and Klingon to my list of A1 achievements, but decided to save that for our next conversation.
Oh, and thanks to your insights on Finnish in your last post another Jenny thinks I’m an expert on Finnish. I should try the A1 thing on her, too.
Have a great 2020! Always looking forward to your posts!
Ha! That is hysterical! Truly. And congratulations on that milestone. A1 work, Catrina! Hope you have a wonderful new year too – keep on running!
Wow. This was a JOURNEY.