Gooped again

Gwyneth Paltrow has done it again. She’s gooped us—gooped us good this time with a vagina-scented candle. But not just any vagina—her vagina. And we know that for a fact because she named it This Smells Like My Vagina.

That begs the question: What does Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina smell like? It never crossed my mind before, but now the idea has been planted and I need to know even if I don’t necessarily want to. If I drop $75 on this thing, what can I expect?

Turns out, a lot. A team of professional writers are on the job and they describe it as: “a funny, gorgeous, sexy, and beautifully unexpected scent…made with geranium, citrusy bergamot, and cedar absolutes juxtaposed with Damask rose and ambrette seed.”  

So there you have it. Weird. Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina smells weird.

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On to other questions: Why? Why a genitalia candle? Who walked into a room and said, “I wish it smelled more like a high-end vagina in here”? Every product has a story and I want to know this one. I’ll wait. And while I do, one last question: Who is it for?

I’m serious. We know that someone will buy whatever Gwyneth puts her name on, but I want to know who specifically is supposed to buy this candle. Who is the target market? Is it women? Do women—eccentric women with a moderate amount of disposable income—want their home to smell like another woman’s vagina? No. And I say that with confidence because I am one of those women and I don’t want that.

So is it men? Is the candle for dudes? Doubtful. Men don’t need a votive to ignite their eroticism. Even if they did, the designers wouldn’t call up undertones of citrus and bergamot, which is just a fancy word for citrus, by the way. They’d make it smell like something men are familiar with and fond of, like ketchup… perhaps a record store… the gum you used to get in baseball card packs. Besides, if you wanted to make a candle for men, you’d name it in a way that appeals to them. You’d call it something men consider themselves experts on, like Everything or Turn Signals. You would’t bring the vagina into it at all.

So not women. Not men. Children? Can’t be. We never give candles to children. Even Gwyneth Paltrow, the woman who once suggested that a jade egg inserted in the vagina (where else) would balance your hormones, wouldn’t be so irresponsible.

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But let’s table that question for a minute. Never mind who’s supposed to buy the vagina candle. It already sold out, so it doesn’t even matter. Instead I want to know what’s the point? What purpose does it serve? The band of poets working at Goop tell us it’s “to put us in mind of fantasy, seduction, and a sophisticated warmth,” but I’m not buying that. For $75, we all know that at that you’re not supposed to use the candle. Anyone who buys it isn’t going to light it.

So what is it then? A conversation piece, I guess. It’s like fine art or good silverware or anything that comes from a boutique. It’s not meant to be used so much as seen. The vagina candle is a status symbol and a signal. You put it out so that people know you will can drop $100 on a votive full of wax and that you have a sense of humor. That’s it. That’s all it is.

Fine. Except in this case, the conversation isn’t relegated to a handful of Lower East Side apartments. It’s happening all over the internet. In magazines and newspapers and on Twitter. This past weekend, I couldn’t open a single web outlet without getting hit square in the face with 600 words about Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina. The vast majority of coverage is dismissive and condescending but that doesn’t matter. We’re all talking about the candle and, by extension, Gwyneth Paltrow—a woman who made billions on Goop and still, for some reason, wants to do a Netflix series.

And that’s when I realized what the vagina candle was really about and who it was for: Media. Influencers. The Internet, at large. It’s a conversation piece for all of us. It’s a marketing ploy. A stunt. And a tired one at that.

I don’t know why it took me so long to recognize. After all, that’s the Goop business model: dream up something absolutely absurd, make the price outrageous and then sit back while the world wide web builds your brand. It’s quite brilliant really. What better way to promote a new Netflix show than with loads of free press and word of mouth? Why have a press tour when wannabe travel bloggers and Instagram influences are willing to do the heavy lifting for you? Why buy advertising when you can just sell a really expensive nothing? I mean, I fell for it.

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I have to respect Gwyneth for it. I mean, this is who she is. It’s who she’s always been. She’s the woman who walks into an Anthropologie, picks up a $12 ball of twine thinks, “Well it’s a start.” Then she goes back to her studio and “yes and’s” her way into oblivion. A $12 ball of twine? Why stop there. Make it out of horse hair. Claim it will cure cystic acne. Raise the price to $180! Someone will pay it. And you know they will. They need something to talk about. We all do.