Is your music not complicated enough? Do you like songs that require an advanced degree? Is Kamasi Washington just too mainstream for you?
Introducing My Husband’s Jazz, an unbelievably vast collection of intentionally obscure and incomprehensible music that only he wants to listen to!
We know there’s good jazz out there, but this isn’t it folks! This is My Husband’s Jazz… it takes away all the familiarity and predictability of ordinary music—the melody, the rhythm, the words—and replaces it with hours upon hours of pure, unadulterated notes.
Notes at pitches you’ve never heard before.
In sequences you never could have imagined.
At volumes that will leave the neighbors complaining… but also wondering: Is that really the guy upstairs?
It is! My Husband’s Jazz has the soul and sorrow of an old man’s music played on a much younger man’s stereo.
But My Husband’s Jazz is more than music, it’s a conversation piece—for people who want to talk about vast and varied topics like: clarinets; the 1930s; and antiquated slang.
When art gets old, My Husband’s Jazz is here, helping you clear a room in record time!
My Husband’s Jazz is the kind of music that can make any task worse.
Things like doing the laundry… eating dinner… or answering the telephone—all immensely less enjoyable with My Husband’s Jazz playing in the background. Suitable for any occasion… ideal for none… it’s never a good time for My Husband’s Jazz.
Oh, I’m sorry, were you trying to work? Think? Formulate a compound sentence? Thanks to My Husband’s Jazz, that’s impossible!
This one-of-a-kind collection has so many musical left turns, it’s guaranteed to help your mind stop working and start spinning.
My Husband’s Jazz will reach you on a deep emotional level, prompting you to ask questions like:
Is the cat walking on the piano?
What if every song was ten minutes long?
How much did you pay for this?
Best of all, My Husband’s Jazz is indistinguishable. This multi-album set allows you to play countless hours of music without ever repeating a song. People in your household will think they’ve heard it before and told you not to play it again—but they are wrong!
My Husband’s Jazz is extensive with albums like: “Not that one.” And “I think you’ll like this one.” And everyone’s favorite: “It’s a soundtrack!”
But don’t take our word for it, just listen to what real people are saying about My Husband’s Jazz:
“Inexplicably infuriating.”
“Definitely not something I’d pick…”
And “I’m sorry… What was the question again? I can’t think.”
Now, you could spend hours and several dollars going through the final chance bin at your local record store to assemble your own collection, but you don’t have to! My Husband’s Jazz is available to one lucky reader who can come to my apartment and pick these records up. That’s right, My Husband’s Jazz is absolutely free! In fact, I’ll pay you to take it off my hands.
But wait!
Act now and I’ll throw in a bag of my Husband’s favorite snack: Salted Nuts. He thinks they’re healthy but they’re just salty—Salted Nuts!
And for anyone who can make it here in the next 30 minutes, I’ll throw in my Husband’s box of 30 Different Black Socks. Impossible to match, you’ll never wear an actual pair: 30 DIFFERENT BLACK SOCKS!
That’s the full collection of My Husband’s Jazz, the Salted Nuts and 30 Different Black Socks absolutely free! To one of you. Any of you.
Please.
I beg you. Come take My Husband’s Jazz. Because I can no longer take My Husband’s Jazz.
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HAHAHA!! What is it with men and the infuriating jazz??!!
I secretly sold 29 Jazz-CDs for 1 Swiss Franc last week on eBay (who has CDs, anyway?) No nuts involved.
When my husband found out, he said that I ”sold his life”.
Ok.
I highly recommend this strategy. 😄
OMG. for all my jokes about that record collection, i know better than to touch it. in fact, i flat out refuse to learn how to work the player or the speakers because i just don’t want the responsibility of record care and handling hanging over my head. I play music on my iPhone. that is the equivalent of playing a jazz record for him. so, in a way, we’re even.
in any case, congrats on the sale :D hilarious.
Fun post
TY! Congrats on the latest grandchild!
I’m selling a complementary collection called “My Boyfriend’s Underground Rap”
I think you’ll love it!
lolol. yes, i am familiar. great stuff!!
remember, Nova: you KNEW about this going in. It was Part of the Deal! Read the Fine Print!
yes, but the contract also states that I can leave every 4-6 weeks to regroup and recharge AND HERE WE ARE WITH ENDLESS JAZZ INSTEAD. NOTHING BUT JAZZ. sigh. i guess this is life now :)
I can’t help feeling a little called out by this somehow. Just because a fellow has some acquired tastes… Hmph. Philistines! The folks who make this stuff are hardly responsible for spouses who can’t leave the house these days…
Hey, maybe J is really trying to help you. Don’t enjoy cleaning or doing the laundry? It sounds like he’s found just the thing to put some unpleasant chores in perspective. Plus, the existence of good headphones will save you the trouble of thinking of his next birthday/holiday present. It sounds like a win-win all around to me.
you’re right. this situation calls for headphones. what a bonus too because, i don’t know if you know this, but it’s impossible for men to listen to jazz without doing some kind of weird finger point dance. that’s science. sounds like a good start on a follow up post.
thanks for reading… and sorry you feel called out. in response, i will allow you and my husband unlimited jokes on the number of unused hair products i own, 70% of which contain the word “miracle.” enjoy!
OMG Nova my husband came out of the bedroom saying “What are you cackling about in here??!!” I was literally on the floor laughing. BEST.POST.EVER (and boy did I need that laugh, the deep belly kind!) Thank you (and my deepest condolences to your ear drums)…
oh i’m so glad to hear!! i hope your husband “got it” and wasn’t like, “JAZZ IS INCREDIBLE” because he is right. it is. but this is MY HUSBAND’S JAZZ. thanks so much for reading! xx
Fantastic. My husband knows that if he tried to listen to his Primus albums all day, or even part of any day, I would also take to travelling. I mean, if that were even still a thing. Hang in there.
i understand. completely. and since we’re on the subject, i have come to terms with the fact that it is very unlikely that i will be able to travel for the rest of the year. stay tuned for more homebound-inspired posts like: PUZZLES!, Why do we have so many mugs? and The answer is No.
in solidarity,
N
Ha!! As someone who grew up with My Father’s Jazz, I feel your pain. HORRIBLE.
Oh man! What a BONUS ALBUM!!! Package deal <3
And I thought it was just me. I really think Jazz is discordant on purpose, it becomes one of those things guaranteed to drive most women right out of the room.
Jazz belongs with those angular paintings done in primary colors, squares and triangles all jumbled together. it’s modern, man, but only in the 50s kinda modern.
And it hurts the eardrums. Consider ear plugs.
HA! perhaps you’re right – it is meant to drive women out of the room. if so, mission accomplished. BOOP BOOP DE BOOP.
and funny you should mention the art. almost every man i know who loves jazz also loves Mondrian.