Just a head’s up that today’s post is a parody. It’s a spoof based on the company-wide emails that inform employees when clients are visiting the office.
For those who haven’t worked in a creative agency or similar office setting, these announcements always follow the same formula: It’s the phrase “Just a head’s up”, plus the name of a client and an inordinately long or vague time period. Then comes some sort of truly absurd suggestion or direction as to what employees are expected to do if they see this client and/or how to prepare for the visit. The email always ends with a simple and curt, “Thank you.” These emails are almost always completely predictable and unintentionally hilarious. For example:
Just a head’s up that the entire product development team from “Shmepsi” will be in the office from 10:45 a.m. until 4 p.m. today. To prepare for this visit, we have taped an “out of order/TRASH” sign on the “Shmoke” machine. Please be respectful and DO NOT use the machine or consume any obviously branded competitor food or drinks, such as Shmoke, Diet Shmoke or Shmasani water today. (Tap water and drinks in glasses/mugs are OK). Thank you.
Just a head’s up that “Shmohl’s” is in the office and they have brought their entire new winter coat line. Please feel free to stop by and say things like, “Wow, these are nice coats!” or “This looks like an expensive coat.” Here are some other acceptable words you can use to describe the coats: Beautiful. Fun. Great. High Quality. 100% Wool. If invited, feel free to try on the coats. Thank you.
Just a head’s up that our “Shmupperware” client will be in the Philadelphia office today. At 10:30, a variety of take out food options will be delivered. Everyone should take the Shmupperware container that they received on Monday to the lounge and fill it with a meal or snack of your choice. Between 12:30 and 4, we will take the client on a tour of the office. PLEASE HAVE THE SHMUPPERWARE OUT and BE EATING. It’s important that everyone looks like they are LOVING THEIR SHMUPPERWARE. Please also take a picture of you and your Shmupperware and post it to all social media channels using the hashtag, #atworkwithshmupp. (No dogs/pets!) Thank you.
Just a head’s up that a potential fitness client will be in the office today to discuss an issue with yoga pants. If you have experience with yoga pants, good or bad, please contact Joyce ASAP. Thank you.
Just a head’s up that printer brand “Shmicoh” will be in the office today and they are very concerned about sustainability and the effect it will have on their core business. If you are in the office today, please be sure to PRINT DOCUMENTS and LEAVE THEM ON YOUR DESK. If you are walking to a meeting, PLEASE CARRY PAPER with you in the hallways! Thank you.
Just a head’s up that several celebrities (strictly confidential) will be in the office today to discuss the launch of a new brand of soy butter. One celebrity will be bringing her small dog, which is deathly afraid of medium and large-sized dogs. If you brought your dog to work today and he or she is bigger than a loaf of bread, please do the responsible thing. Thank you.
Just a heads up that two clients from “Flord” will be on site in Detroit today. If you own a vehicle that is not a Flord, please drive it off a cliff. Thank you.
Just a head’s up that “Shmerck Pharmaceuticals” is on site in New York today. Everyone please take your medication and be on your best behavior. Thank you.
Just a head’s up that our eco-tequila client will be in the LA office today and they will be bringing along a three piece Mariachi band. If you plan to have meetings or calls between 3 and 5 p.m., please expect some background noise. Thank you.
Just a head’s up that “Shmetna” is in the office today but that this email is really about me, the team lead. I alone am in charge of the “Shmetna” account, which is on track to be the biggest here at the firm and the most profitable as well. It’s a very important account for the company, which makes me important to the company too. Please be aware today and always. Thank you.
Just a head’s up that a MAJOR fashion brand will be on site today in New York. Our client, Sarah, spells her name with an “h.” If you see her, please do not make that mistake. Than you.
Just a head’s up the “Shmunkin Shmonuts” is in the Boston office today and if you’re caught drinking anything other than that, you’re fired. Just kidding. (Not kidding!) Also Go PATS (even in June)! Thank you.
Just a head’s up that “Shwindex” will be in the office today and in addition to it being queaky clean in here, we also need it to be squeaky quiet. Thank you.
Just a head’s up that “Shmuzuki” will be in the office today from 12-3 p.m.. Please be working. No foosball or scooters! Group yoga is moved to Thursday. Do not have beer/alcohol at your desks (terrace is OK.) Shmuzuki went bankrupt and we’re trying not to. Thank you.
If it’s any consolation to my former employers, at least I was reading all those emails. And I obviously saved the best ones too… Just a head’s up!
These are gold.
xx. you’re sweet. thanks for the shout out on facebook too. i owe your blog a visit, xx
These are awesome. And they inspire me to write one for a fictional school, only one because it is reusable. Just a head’s up that we will be undertaking this new labor intensive initiative to improve STUDENT SUCCESS. We hired the Yes-Man Consultant Company and they said this would be a wildly successful venture. Also, this other school that is no way, shape, or form like ours is using it with great results. We’re not sure when this will roll out as it is fatally incompatible with our current systems but we’re confident our underpaid and overworked IT folks can “tweak” it so only 2 of its 5 components will be usable. We also don’t plan to market it to students in any way and this email is only going out to administration and not the front line staff but we wanted to be sure to thank the benchmark committee for their hard work. Thank you.
Followed by 33 “reply all” emails.
HA – the reply all. oh the reply all. write it up. everyone loves a good parody!!!
This is brilliant!
<3 if you think so... then apologies are in order because i suspect you've lived it. xx