My husband is a cat person. Unlike many who identify as such, Valtteri can admit when he is wrong, which he proved by trying to surprise me with a puppy.
Try is the operative word in that sentence since procuring a dog of any kind is quite a task in Finland, let alone if you want to be choosy about the make and model. It’s a months-long process that usually requires a cash deposit, several in-person interviews and a written application that culminates in a 500-word essay titled, “Why I want a Dalmatian.” My husband’s not much of a writer, which I’m convinced is why he looped me in. That and he could probably think of a better way to spend a quarter of his paycheck.
It’s still not official that we’ll make the cut with a breeder who put us on the short list, but we are optimistic—and enthusiastic. We have been invited to meet the puppies a week from Sunday, an event that we have both been prepping for like it’s the S.A.T.s
“Did you learn any new Dalmatian facts today?” Valtteri will quiz me over dinner.
Usually I have not. I don’t have bandwidth to read Dalmatian literature without cutting into my Twitter time. But sometimes I manage to pull up some tidbit I learned before—a stat about the breed’s propensity for distance running (they were bred to run alongside coaches) or the possibility of tracing their genealogy back to ancient Egypt (there are spotted dogs featured in some of the art in Pharaoh tombs).
My husband then counters with something that he has learned from one of his Dalmatian books, which are written in Finnish and generally beyond my comprehension. I think Valtteri enjoys his newfound authority—relaying to me a list of product preferences and puppy milestones knowing full well that even if he’s mistaken, I won’t be able to dispute it.
Sometimes, when we run out of factoids, we quiz each other on puppy rearing techniques—how often to take him out (at least once an hour) how to keep him from nipping at your hands (put them behind your back), how to stop him from chewing the furniture (give him something more appealing) and when to praise him (literally any time he is not peeing on the carpet, nipping your hands or gnawing on the couch).
And then, when we get tired of that, we usually start arguing about the name.
If we were getting a female dog, the decision would be easy: Philly. It’s dignified, but not stuffy; alludes to the dog’s running roots; and has special significance for both of us—I having lived in Philadelphia for a few years in my early 20s and Valtteri having a fond memory of being told by Center City Old Navy clerk that he could not use a debit card because she didn’t “know what that shit is.”
But we are actually getting a boy and naming him has been a little harder to pin down. My first thought was a classic: Bingo. It’s just an objectively great dog name—and the spots remind me of the card markers.
Valtteri countered with Noki, which means “soot” in Finnish. It’s cute—and if we were in the States, it would be even cuter. Here in Helsinki, it’s about as clever as naming the dog Dots.
Both are good, but neither are great, and so we keep circling the drain, playing a never-ending name game.
At some point, Valtteri got very excited about naming the dog Bowie if he had two different colored eyes. As a fellow David Bowie fan, I supported that idea—which Valtteri took to mean that the matter was settled. When I clarified that I would only accept that name if the dog’s eyes were mismatched—which is a pretty big if—Valtteri pretended not to understand.
“It’s still a great name,” he said. “All my friends think so.”
“If the dog has two different colored eyes?” I asked, raising my eyebrows.
“NO,” he insisted. “Just in general. They like Bowie in general for any dog.”
I sighed. His friends may very well have said that now, but they will not be the ones who have to defend the name later. I will be the one who has to explain the significance of Bowie at the dog park with some big song and dance about recessive genes in deceased rock stars. As a person who thinks herself clever, I cannot bear the thought of a good idea sullied by poor execution.
“I want names and numbers,” I said, sliding a paper across our kitchen table. “I’ll believe it when I hear it from them.”
And I’ll have you know, I’m still waiting on that list.
If all goes according to plan, I think we can expect the dog to arrive by mid-October. That’s a pretty busy time for me work-wise because it coincides with a big research project I’ve supported for the past two years: The World Energy Markets Observatory, or WEMO for short. These past few weeks, as I anticipate having a little bundle of spotted fun arriving at the same time as the research launch, I find myself musing about how busy I will be in October “with WEMO.” In fact, I said that to myself so many times that I actually got to thinking, “Wouldn’t WEMO be a cute dog name?”
Of course, Valtteri balked at the idea. “We are not naming our dog after a whitepaper,” he said.
“But it’s so cute!” I insisted.
“We’re not naming it after anything work-related,” he answered. “That would be like me naming it… HAM.”
HAM, by the way, is what the Helsinki Art Museum decided to rebrand themselves as about two years ago. Valtteri was working there at the time and when he came home wearing one of his new t-shirts that just said HAM in big block letters, I almost couldn’t believe my luck. It was like a comedy writer’s dream to have a boyfriend who works at an art museum called HAM that he insists on pronouncing with a long A, making it HAHM.
“AH AH AH,” he explained, putting a finger to his ear. “It’s a long A. Like hahm sweet hahm. We have a magnet that says that in the shape of a house.”
I’ll tell you what, I almost had to leave our HAHM when Valtteri came up with that one. Leave it to a bunch of art people to come up with a play on words when the perfect idea was right in front of them. HAM. If they wanted a clever magnet, they should have just used a cartoon roast. Or a sandwich. A pig if they really needed to reach.
This story should confirm that Valtteri has no business naming the dog. It’s clearly not his forte, just like mine is not building Scandinavian furniture or being polite. Anyway, long story short, as soon as I heard HAM, that was it for me. I have never in my life changed my mind so fast. A Dalmatian named HAM—the children’s book just writes itself! Besides, we already have the perfect t-shirts.
I will admit that I pitched Ham to a lot of people and many do not support it. It’s actually very polarizing as a name—people either walk away from me in disgust or they threaten to riot if we don’t use it. And honestly, that’s the sort of reaction I want people to have about my dog. This is a love it or leave it situation. Either jump in with both feet or get away from us.
Valtteri does not agree. He hates the idea of HAM even more than WEMO.
Two days ago, over coffee at my favorite outdoor café, he suggested that I look up a list of “great Dalmatian names.” I’m not sure why since I had already identified the greatest—but I humored him anyway. I read a few off the top (Oreo, Skunk, Panda–snooze, yawn, roll over) then scrolled to the next section for “funny” Dalmatian names. I got to Polly, which by the way is not even remotely funny, when I saw it.
“HAM!!!” I yelled, showing him my screen. “I’m not even kidding. HAM is on here!! HAM!!”
Valtteri, like any good Finn, could not focus on my message until I corrected my volume. “Would you calm down?” he hissed. “People are staring.”
I cleared my throat and leaned across the table as if to whisper. Then, when my husband met me in the middle, I just yelled HAM right in his face.
He sighed and looked around apologetically. “This should be a lesson to you,” he said. “How are you going to feel yelling HAM at the top of your lungs at a dog park?”
“Great!” I said with a shrug. “I think it’s hilarious.”
“Oh really?” he asked. “You’re going to be at the beach and just screaming HAM over and over?”
“I don’t see the problem,” I answered.
“All these people are looking at you,” he said. “You just said HAM one time and people are staring.”
“Well yeah…” I said. “There’s no dog. I mean, if I yelled HAM and a Dalmatian appeared, they’d be like, ‘Wow! Now that’s a great name!’”
“They would not,” he countered.
I guess there’s one way to find out.
Here’s the thing: I really do like the name Ham. I am pulling for Ham the way my husband is lobbying for Bowie. And that’s why I know I can’t go through with Ham. Because if Valtteri insisted on naming him Bowie, I wouldn’t love the dog any less, but I would regret the lack of creativity and originality. Every time I said it, I know I’d feel like a little bit of a failure—at our inability to compromise or just keep working until we came up with something better.
I don’t often look to the wild wild west of the internet to help me make personal decisions, but in this case, I’d like some opinions and ideas. What do you think of these names – vote below or write in your favorite option. If we choose your name, we’ll send you a little gift…maybe something like a Heavenly Ham.
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You should meet the little guy before naming him. Sometimes names present themselves by personality.
fair enough! we will keep you posted!
Well now, how can I know his name without seeing his little face? He might be a Miles, he could be a Checkers. Admittedly, he’s probably not going to be a HAM (or Bowie), but I’m going to go out on a limb and say I reckon he’ll definitely be wizzer!! (NOT a name choice!)
Much jealousy over you getting a dog. xx
true! you and everyone else have rightfully pointed this out. in fact, this is how i had a cat named Ginger Ale. people assumed she would be orange but she was actually a tuxedo. We rescued her and she wasn’t interested in anything or anyone except a little bottle of soda… hence Ginger Ale. ultimately we will likely wait and meet him before settling on something or we will change our minds based on his personality… but i still want a short list to fall back on… sort of like a ham sandwich.
What about something literary? We named our cat Lizzie after the main character in pride and prejudice, because she’s fiesty and intelligent. Though I do like Ham, but I think it’s important to have a name you both agree on. If we found a boy cat with socks, we were going to name him Chief Noah Highwaters. Then again, maybe I’m not the right person to give advice on this.
WELL THERE ARE BOOKS ABOUT HAM, ANGELA. i kid. i agree that we both have to like the name. neither of us should be embarrassed to say it or explain it. so… no ham. sort of on the same lines, we were watching the godfather the other night and both of us were cracking up at the minor character of the baker, enzo. we liked how he was a lovable sweet thing, but then also kind of intimidating enough to be in the mob. this is the sort of vibe i want my dog to give off. he decorates cakes OR can blow up a car. entirely situational.
I like it!
I love the name Enzo! I actually have a friend with a very sweet dog named Enzo.
Me too. It’s in the running, as is Truffles. (Valtteri recently decided that he likes names that end in S but not HamS so… I guess not always.)
Been meaning to comment for ages but… Feedly I say unto you. Sorry. But the poll brought me over here, so here I am to say: I really enjoy your writing; congratulations on getting married; and that I don’t fancy any of those names. Went to read about Dalmatia for inspiration and reckon Zadar is a GREAT name for your new dog.
But only if it fits his personality once you’ve spent a few days with him.
hi! thanks so much!! so nice to hear!
so, i am going to be a bit of an annoying dog person here and say that dalmatians MAYBE don’t come from dalmatia. the books i/we have read say that their history is unclear, though i know some websites make the case that they’re from that region. i really don’t have an opinion on the matter but i imagine some people do and i really do not want to get into it with them. so I will probably avoid any names related to that particular coast, though i do very much appreciate the creativity!
https://ccdalmatians.com.au/historyorigin-of-the-dalmatian/
Jetson. I hope you find something you both love.
I like it! Very cute. Lots of opportunity. Unusual without being weird. Cute but not infantile. Only drawback is that i will have to listen to factoids about cartoons, which is a category of conversation i do not care to have. still putting it on the list.
How about Gerald?
From that list, my favorite is Wemo. It’s cute sounding and unique, and I actually love the idea of finding a cute name from some sort of everyday work thing. Don’t go with Bingo, Miles, or Checkers. Too boring. I like Noki too, but as you say that’s probably mostly because I’m not Finnish and it sounds unique.
HA! per the comment above or below, i like the idea of a human name. claiming you need to “get home to Miles” will probably get me out of a lot of one-way conversations.
I like WEMO too as does the rest of the WEMO team. I do agree with Valtteri though that if the work relationship sours at some point, i might develop a negative association. probably safer just to name him something that i will always love, like HAM. or Sephora.
Our cat’s shelter name was Bourbon, but I didn’t want to constantly be talking about bourbon. Instead I find myself saying “Lizzie’s such a snuggle whore.”
oh that’s cute!! bourbon. and snuggle whore. either one.
So from experience I can tell you the face and personality is so much of it. I named my dog Winnie and it lasted about 3 weeks before she very clearly was Pig. It just suited her so thoroughly there was no denying it. I had to get new tags and tell everyone, including the vet, that her name was not what I had previously said. I’m with the wait and see people.
very fair point and we did acknowledge that… though we also KIND OF want to have a name ready to go so that we can start reinforcing that. (overachieving dog mom here, just watch how well this shit goes!) anyway, i never met pig but i trust your judgment. it is in my wildest dreams that we give the dog a list of options and he responds obviously, consistently and enthusiastically to ham. i will report back. xx
You already know how I feel.
But in all seriousness, what about a name from a Bowie song, instead? Like Major Tom? Starman? Diamond (for Diamond Dogs)????? Rebel?
Love you. <3
I like the way you think. Does Bowie have any songs about HAM?????
I think Philly is a good name for a boy dog too!
But here is soot in Polish – sadza – a fun sounding name!
Yes, I think it works for a boy too, but I like it better for a girl. It’s the same trap as Bowie really for me, which is that it’s cuter in my head than in reality. I like Sadza, i really do, though I’m not sure we’d be wise to bring a third language into the mix. <3
I agree that you should wait to meet him, but just to throw something out, I like Clyde or Bud. I’m from Missouri, so Dalmations always make me think of the Budweiser Clydesdales and the dalmation that is always present on the beer wagon. Oh. Sticking with that line of thinking, you could do Auggie or Adolphus (in reference to the older generation, not so much the current one).
I guess adding names to your list isn’t helpful in narrowing things down, is it?
Yep yep… wait and meet, fair enough. Cute options, aside from Auggie/Gus because that is my nephew’s name and he wears it well. (That nephew, by the way, suggest we call the dog LOVER. Imagine me yelling that into the abyss.) Anyway, all good options… we’ll put them on the list.
Okay, I agree with all the meet-him-first comments, for sure. You might choose a name, meet him and think “oh, he is NOT a ____, whatever were we thinking?”
However, I have been dying to name a boy dog Arlo, or possibly Henry.
I do like Noki, though. That’s a pretty cute o!
Yes – agree we will wait to meet him before deciding though Arlo is cute! (We also toyed with Enzo). I know some Henry dogs, so I will pass on that. Thank you for playing!
Mr. Pickles
:) Mayo?
Our neighbor had a dog he named Mike, which is also my husband’s name. Dog Mike used to get into a lot of trouble, which we knew because the owner, Rick would come out and yell “goddammit Mike!” which I would then echo inside our house because it’s just a handy thing to say.
Anyway, I did not allow my husband to name our next dog after that, partially because she already had a name, and also because by that time the neighbors had moved away and my yelling “goddamit Rick” wouldn’t be the same without them there.
ha – yeah! as a kid, we had a family move in across the street with a blind dog named Tommy, which also is my brother’s name. it definitely took my mother a few times to realize they were calling for a dog, not her child.
Part of me likes a human name just for the cover it can give me. Needing to leave a work event or boring part early to let the dog out… not so great. But say you “need to get home to Miles” and suddenly they think there’s a baby on the line. I like it.
Pip. It’s an obscure synonym for spot and I just like the sound of it. No idea what it means in Finnish though.
It probably is a good idea to wait till you meet him. Then he can lick your face and distract you from the arguments.
Oh WOW! That’s so funny my dad and his oldest friend used to call each other Pip (both of them called the other Pip after watching some movie about Colonel Pip.) Obviously I have a fondness for that word and never knew it meant “spot”… though i agree with you and others that we should wait and see. It’s in the running, for sure. xx
Okay, so I am totally Pro-HAM, but I should also say that dogs are not unable to learn nicknames. Gio and Aloy both also respond to “Pupperoni.” Just saying.
Ha! 2 pupperonis coming right up!
I am also pro-HAM. I have proposed that we just use Ham as our “reward” word, meaning that instead of saying “good” we say “ham.” I can live with that. I can also live with the idea of him having a “mommy name”. xx
I really like Philly for a boy but I agree a name will come to you when you meet your pup!!!! So exciting!
I thought of a subtle mashup of both your first names. Valtteri and Nova = TeriNo (Terino)
Ha! I like it. We can also be NoTeri – Notary.
I have to tell I laughed out loud several times reading this. I really needed those laughs today, so thanks for that!
Similar story to your Ginger Ale cat. I brought home a ginger kitten that was a rescue. There was a lot of discussion about what to name him. My daughter was at the stage where she would only eat a few foods, mostly cheese or pasta, and a few days after we got him, she was eating a bowl of SpaghettiO’s. The kitten walked right up and started eating them out of her bowl. What other cat eats Spaghetti? Garfield of course. And that became his name.
well i am so happy to hear that!!
Garfield… so cute!! we’ll see if our dog has a moment when we pick him up next week. otherwise, we have a name in mind that both of us can agree on. stay tuned! and thanks for reading!!
Stay away from “cute” or puns on other names. Just remember you will be explaining your life away if you call him “Camus” or “Spotify”.
Consider two syllables, with a bite in it. You’ll be using this name for years, and calling him steadily. ‘Marvin’ has a good ring to it, (that’s an example not a suggestion), Marrrr Vinnnn …see?
And who ever suggested living with the new puppy, was right, see him in action, and the name will come to you. I do that with cats all the time.
we did not go with marvin and i’m not sure it has bite… but i think it’s a winner. and we both like it. let’s see if the pup agrees when we pick him up next week
I like Sarge for a boy. And for a dalmation I think it would be fitting.
My cousin has two dogs and he named them Sarge in honor of Sargeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band and Penny for Penny Lane. He’s a Beatles lover.
OK – I think we found one. stay tuned! pick up is in less than one week! xx